I WAS IN LOVE...ONCE

I'm not one to write about the mushy stuff, never been open to embracing my sentimental side (as I've said before, I'm way too macho for that lol), but I'll allow myself go for the one time (one time for the one time), besides I'm brimming right now and need an outlet; so I write.

I always scorned the idea of love, didn't want it, didn't want to see it, not even smell it! Being the cynic I am, the concept of an unconditional devotion seemed a little too far fetched for me, perhaps stemming from a deep rooted fear of commitment, but like most human beings I secretly imagined what it'd be like. I always used to think love was this unstoppable force of nature - that when it hit you, you'd just know, it wouldn't be ignorable, a testament to its larger than life portrayal in the movies and other media I'd filled my head with.

And then it happened, perhaps I got sloppy...No!, I allowed it. There were no theme songs, neon lights or fireworks (no thanks to Disney) that suddenly lit up to tell you that you're in love now,(or ask, if you can feel the love tonight?) nothing to tell you how much you now cared for someone; put their interests before yours, never wanting to cause them harm or be the reason they suffer, that now you only wanted to, in the best of your abilities make them happy.

So, I was in love, (always considered it a fondness, I guess it's part of it). I had never been 'in love' before so I didn't recognize it, but I should have - when you're with someone and their mere presence makes you happy, when her hair tickles your face but you don't move your head to discomfort her, when her laugh is so contagious, her unamusing jokes become too funny, when her lips feel like they were made for yours, when  your arms are around her naked body and you wish time would hold still so you could keep that moment (this could easily be lust though, just saying) and when she turns the gloomiest day into a sunny filled oasis, it becomes a no-brainer really, so If you've ever felt that way about someone then I got news for you bub, Cupid hit his target.

So now you're in love, then comes the barrage of questions that reason will throw at you, after all its only right that your predefined logic defends its integrity; Is she hot enough?, Is she sophisticated enough? Do you like her family? are you ready to settle with her? do you build on it or wait for some future better option to come along? Cause you see, being in love isn't like the movies, in reality, its an emotion and like every emotion it can change, so if you want to remain in love it's pretty much like staying in shape; if you don't exercise those (for lack of a better word) 'love' muscles (get your head out of the gutter) they go soft and flaccid, you gotta bench those guns consistently while graduating to new weight classes, meaning that with each stage of growth in a relationship, you should put more in, the passion you harbor should grow with your 'weight class'; Date<Boyfriend<Fiance<Husband & Father (can be rearranged to suit your lifestyle).

At this point, you can either choose to walk away, let your emotions get out of shape (by cheating, getting  complacent, being lazy and unadventurous) or get them jacked with steroids (with devotion, care and respect) and enjoy life's greatest emotion.

Love isn't commitment. They're expected to come hand in hand but they don't. Commitment is simply a complimentary act to love, a by-product, a side effect to the drug. As logical as it sounds to commit by default to those we love, it isn't always an easy choice. We all want different things in life, meaning our interests and end goals don't always align, sometimes the smallest (or biggest) things cause the biggest (or smallest) rifts and separations between lovers. Rational issues ranging from religion, lifestyle, background, career choice etc. play a strong role in determining who stays and who goes, meaning we effectively make a choice after falling in love, to stay and remain true, fair and honest with your partner, you choose to commit or not, you! not some predefined destiny, an ancient Greek deity or overproduced hormones, no, none of that, just you. 

And although I was starting to recognize what I felt, I was still rooted in my fear of commitment and being caught in several minds about what I wanted and what I needed, I took what I had for granted and paid the price. In retrospect I was glad to have experienced something so bitter-sweet. I wasn't numb anymore; I had involuntarily opened my self on every level to a former stranger and found it fulfilling. Perhaps this will make me a better man going forward I don't know, what I do know is that there will be people who come into our lives and light a fire that will never be doused, sadly, we may not always end up with them for better or worse, a result culminating from the choice(s) we've made, but at the end of it all, we will try to perhaps, love again or...abandon the cause, but when it's all said and done, nothing happens without our consent, not even Love.