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THE INTERVIEW



Rummaging through my stuff I found a draft I wrote 6 years ago, enjoy.

Honestly, corporate interviews suck, and are senseless! I mean what makes sense in a bunch of smug, pompous suits bombarding a guy with questions that supposedly enable them to gain insight into a person’s persona and ability when really, the interviewee can’t be honest or be him or herself in the first place?

I mean you have toiled your ass off in order to get here and hope you’re selected among the other numerous zombies applying for the same job….why do you have to lie? The fortunate ones; dream chasers, trust fund holders, inheritance bound kids, and nepotistic minions don’t have to go through this, It’s anything but a fair process, unfortunately we would say or do anything just to get hired. I recently went for an interview and will now parody that occasion, replacing what I said with what I wanted to. Check it out…

Disclaimer: If you’re broke, don’t try this at an interview or in fact anywhere!


Interviewer 1: Good morning
Me: Good morning
Interviewer 1: Tell us about yourself.
Me: Well, I don’t mean to brag but I will…I’m awesome, she knows what I’m talking about (winks at female interviewer 2).
Interviewer 1: What quality do you regard the most?
Me: Omerta.
Interviewer 2: Oh okay, it says here that you’re a graduate of Accounting, how do you think Accounting has shaped the modern  world, and in your personal opinion what are its merits, core contributions and how do you see it being applied in the very near future?
Me: Good question, kindly allow me respond with one of my own, what colour of undies was Frodo wearing when he was taken to Rivendale by Arwen after he was stabbed by the Witch King's morgul blade at weathertop?
Interviewer 2: ‘……’
Me: Exactly, moving on.
Interviewer 3: What is the difference between Accounting and Book Keeping?
Me: Why all the retrogressive questions?  We’re burning daylight here.
Interviewer 1: What is your educational background?
Me: I assume you’re holding my resume for a reason?
Interviewer 3: What do you know about this institution?
Me: Not much, but you guys pay people to be here right?
Interviewer 3: And what do you know about the industry? Can you tell us of some of the latest happenings, trends?
Me:  Nothing really, nada, zip, zilch! Do I have to?
Interviewer 2: Nothing!? Don’t you watch TV or read the papers?
Me: Now hold on hot stuff (facing Interviewer 2) I have questions too ‘But you don’t see me asking you about irrelevant stuff like how you came about your perfect teeth, supple lips, ample bosom, long shiny legs, tight skirt and sweet smell *now leering* I mean I could, but I won’t you know, cause I’m cool like that.
Interviewer 2: …!
Me: FYI I’m only interested in the sports pages and I’m sure any modern young man like myself has more educational uses with his television time than industry news, I for one, have been trying to complete COD Black Ops, it’s conspiracy theory is straight up rad.
Interviewer 3: Why do you want to work here?
Me: oh that’s an easy one, cuz I need to get paid to get laid. Yao mean?
Interviewer 1: Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?
Me: *dreamily* having sex with my trophy wife on my trophy Yacht, hopefully I own one of those by then.
Interviewer 1: No! I meant where you envision yourself professionally, in regards to your career.
Me: Ooooh ooo okay my bad, jumped the gun on that one, errr well I’d like to be the head honcho, shot caller, the El Hefe of the joint that owns this joint si?
Interviewer 2: *Sigh* what are your strengths?
Me: Superhuman strength, flight, super speed, freeze breath, x-ray vision & eye lasers.
Interviewer 2: any weaknesses?
Me: You baby.
Interviewer 2: Excuse me!?
Me: What did you hear? Girl you need to get your ears fixed I said Kryptonite.
Interviewer 1: Wait are you saying you’re Superman?
Me: If the cap fits.
Interviewer 3: Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
Me: Nope, too smart to get caught.
Interviewer 1: Have you ever been under pressure and how did you handle it?
Me: Oh yes of course, I mean I usually like skinny girls but this one was huge, pretty face, beeeewbs for days and all, so we get on with it and she likes being on top, talk about pressure, I was under it! She left a pretty satisfied customer so I think I handled it quite well *mouths ‘call me’ to Interviewer 2*
Interviewer 2: *exasperated* we meant work pressure!
Me: Oh yea, sure.
Interviewer 1: And how did that go?
Me: Well the police are calling it a missing person’s case, so the company hired another one.
Interviewer 1: Are you saying your former boss went missing?
Me: That’s what the cops said, me I have another theory, might have been stabbed, bludgeoned, shot then fed to pigs to erase all evidence, but it’s just a theory really.
Interviewer 3: How much do you hope to earn for your services to the company?
Me: A substantial amount?
Interviewer 3: State your ‘amount’
Me: One hundred thousand dollars weekly! *grinning from ear to ear*
Interviewer 3: The fuck! Are you out of your mind? we can’t pay that!
Me: Then why the hell did you ask me?
Interviewer 1: well it certainly has been ‘interesting’, thank you for coming we’ll get back to you as soon as the recruitment process is complete.
Me: But I'm the only applicant, no one else showed up.
Interviewer 1: *shocked* How do you know that?
Me: All I’m saying is people should really check their brake fluids before driving on a wet highway on their way to an interview.
Interviewers: …..!
Me: *with a warm smile* so you’d probably want to make sure I get that call, I know where you all live, *makes hands like a scissor* snip snip.

Interviewers: you’ve got the job!!!
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